Sadey Is Alive

Apparently some people were curious about that. I live!

Right now, I’m sitting in a cute coffee shop in a tiny town in Wisconsin, listening to their bluegrass music and the hum of the espresso machine and clanking of dishes and it feels familiar and distant. Because a year ago, though in a different location, the same sounds and smells were a daily thing.

I’m not sure how I’ll look back on this period of my life. I wonder how much damage is irreparable. I’m curious if I’ll ever manage to have a relationship again, or a friendship, but the odd thing is, I don’t miss human connection anymore. I used to feel the ache of loneliness. Sitting alone in a cafe, I’d observe groups of friends interacting with one another and feel a pang of jealousy. Now, I observe them with a faint sense of wonder. What motivates them to do that?

Have you ever heard of tulpas? I read about them recently, and realized I had a tulpa. I didn’t know his name, but he was there, every night, for quite some time. He comforted me as I fell asleep. There were odd little details about him: He worked the third shift, so he left after I fell asleep. I don’t know where he worked. He had a short beard, rusty-brown hair. Nordic looking. He had a big smile and he liked to laugh.

He left. When my depression took a turn–not for the better or for the worse, just a slight shift–he disappeared. Out of curiosity, I’ve tried to bring him back a couple of times, but I can’t. He’s gone. I don’t miss him. But I wonder why he left.

xoxo
Sadey

 

 

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Newsies

Hello, neglected friends. :)

Road to improvement! I’m on it! Hooray!

I’m still a zombie, but that is worlds better than lying in bed, crying all damn day. Baby steps, as many people have said.

Today I’m at my second day of a four-day temp gig. It’s, without question, the most pointless job I’ve ever had. I count heads for approximately thirty minutes, and sit and read/write/blog/twiddle thumbs/walk around downtown for the remaining seven and a half hours. Not a bad introduction into the world of getting out of bed early and going to work. I would very much like a full time job like this. :) Mindless and easy is what I need right now. The worst part of this is wearing fucking nylons because I don’t feel like shaving my legs.

Aaaanyway, I’m alive and moderately well. Sexy thoughts are far from my brain, but despite that, I’m gonna try to knock out the final draft of my next novella. Maybe writing sexy things will make my brain start to like sexy things again…

Hope you’re all enjoying your week.

xoxo
Sadey

 

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Everything To The Dumpster!

Typically I’m a tidy person. I like clean floors, clean bathrooms, and most importantly, clean kitchens. I don’t like a lot of clutter or knick-knacks. I’m the opposite of a hoarder.

However, the last four months or so, I’d estimate that I’ve spent approximately 5% of my time in a vertical position, and 95% of my time in my bed. That’s a generous estimation. Boo. My apartment is messy. There are stacks of paper all over the place from when I was frantically searching for all my stupid 1099s during tax times, there’s other stacks of unopened mail because I don’t like opening mail now, there’s dirty clothes and clean clothes in separate but disorganized piles, and really the only remaining organized area is my kitchen, because as aforementioned, it’s important to keep kitchens clean.

Even my kitchen, though, goddamnit. The turkey chili is still there! In the fridge! Fuck fuck fuck it is gonna be gross…

Today I must dispose of the gross. And of many other things. I’m sad to be leaving my little home. But, gotta get it ready for the next inhabitant.

I’m tired. Sad. I don’t want to leave the comfort of my new routine of doing absolutely nothing. Apparently, though, people must do the things. Today I clean. Tomorrow I drug myself so I can make it through 10 hours of travel without sobbing and freaking out fellow passengers. Thursday, new life.

I’m fairly convinced that there’s no possible direction but improvement, though I’ve convinced myself that in the past and have been repeatedly incorrect. We’ll see. Wish me luck!

xoxo
Sadey

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Making The Plans, Changing The Things

Ticket is purchased. It’s one-way, which is terrifying. Off on a new adventure, or, in this case, anti-adventure…

When I moved to Austin I had two bags. My roommate picked me up, and when I loaded my stuff into her trunk she turned to me and said, “Seriously? That’s it?”

Now I have stuff, which sucks, because I thought I was making a home. :( I am sad about that. I’ll come back to get my shit at some point. Moving is so fucking inconvenient.

To make the moving happy, I have a list of things I will hopefully do before flying far far away:

  1. See one last movie at the Drafthouse.
  2. Spend a morning or afternoon downtownish. I never go there, now, but I did a lot when I first moved here. It’s a nice place.
  3. See the Capitol! I’ve heard it isn’t as great as my home-state-Capitol-of-awesome, but it’s a landmark and it’s close. Boom.
  4. Go back to some of my favorite writing places from back when I did that. :) I have…humm…I guess there are three places. I likely won’t get to all of them. But maybe one. Or two. Aim high!

Just FYI, May is masturbation month. Get on it.

xoxo
Sadey

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Pros And Cons Time

I might be moving, again. Chicago, this time.

I like my little abode here in Austin, though, and I like Austin generally. So, in order to sort it out, I will do pros and cons!

Pros of moving to Chicago:

  • Closer to actual friends. I know people in Chicago. I have friends from high school, college, even from my stint with AmeriCorps. Turns out people need friends. Something about the social animal syndrome…
    Instant friends! I have two friends in Austin and see them so rarely they are kinda like mythical creatures. Kind of a bummer.
  • Closer to family. A train ride to see my brother, a bus ride to see my parents. Zoom.
  • People are taller in the midwest. I will be less of a freak.
  • People are fatter in the midwest, making me look thinner by comparison. :) Vain!
  • Chicago has far better public transportation than Austin. I will be less annoyed by riding the el than I am by riding the packed busses with gross people who trim their nose hair in front of me.
  • Chicago has really nice summers. Sitting by the lake, enjoying the sunshine, etc.
  • Rent is cheaper, amazingly. I’m not sure why this is. Perhaps because Austin is steadily growing at a rapid rate, and Chicago has less of an influx.
  • Culturally, Chicago is pretty stellar. Good museums, good amount of diversity, etc etc.

Cons of moving to Chicago:

  • It’s fucking cold in Chicago. Like, really really cold. I moved away from the midwest eight years ago because I do not like being cold.
  • I’ll have to move all my shit. Again. I counted, the other day, and in the last 18 months I’ve moved seven times. That is a lot of times for a year and a half. The last time I moved, I figured it would be the last for a bit, so I actually bought things. Which just means I have more shit to move.
  • Chicago is dangerous. It’s a big ass city, and has it’s own big ass problems. I’ll feel less safe in Chicago than I did in Mexico City, which I find funny. Overall the danger factor isn’t that big of a con, which just means I’m grasping at straws…

So besides the shitty weather and the inconvenience…I really have no reason not to move.

Well, fuck.

xoxo
Sadey

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Happy Posts Only! Kitchen time.

I really don’t want to become a bitching blogger. Thanks, though, for those of you who responded to my last post. :) I read your comments and they were insightful but now, by the powers vested to me by the Dashboard of WordPress, they’re gone.

Happy things only! I promise! From now on! Until the next annoying thing happens…

Today I am making turkey breakfast sausage. I don’t have liquid smoke. I wish I did.

One thing I’ve struggled with recently is food, because it’s seriously obnoxious to make three meals a day. I do have time to do it. I just don’t want to. So I drink RawMeal, and I make foods that will last a few days, package them up into tupperwares, and hope I don’t get sick of it before it’s gone.

There’s a pot of chili in my fridge that’s over two months old. I’m afraid to look inside of it. I kinda want the pot back, but I’m tempted to chuck it in the dumpster. Must make smaller portions of the foods.

I also made, today, for the first time, Bulletproof Coffee. I bought grassfed butter (the cows are grass fed, not the butter) from the nearby co-op and MCT oil from the nearby fancy grocery store. I used regular coffee because whatever.

It was really good. Very yum. Supposedly the MCT oil gives our brains more energy. I feel energetic, but could be placebo, or my ten hours of sleep. More testing this week. It’s 200 calories instead of 5, but I drank it three hours ago and I’m still not hungry, so maybe that’s okay.

I don’t understand why I can’t just use grassfed cream. Because…how do we make butter?

This post has no relevance. I just wanted a nicer post on my front page.

Thanks to the volunteers for beta reading! Everyone who has signed up is good to go, and I’ll accept a few more…I have some final touch-ups before I send it out to folks. I think I need to cut some scenes that are fairly irrelevant, but they’re scenes that I love because I wrote them, so humph. Must butcher book.

Happy weekend.

xoxo
Sadey

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Call for Beta Readers

I have one more found of edits to make before the next novella is ready. Beta-readers, y’all ready to read? :) :)

Ideally you’ll have read Under His Roof and Taking His Hand, though it’s not completely necessary (in fact, I’d like at least one person who hasn’t read the books, to make sure my introduction is sufficient for this book to stand alone).

Let me know if you’re interested by filling out the form below. Thanks in advance!

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