Already

People like to say things to depressed people.

“There are ways to win.”

“It’ll get better.”

“You’ll beat this.”

These things are not entirely constructive, though the good intent is well noted. When you’re deep though, deep into depression or sadness or whatever it’s called in whatever construct you imagine it, it’s just it. There’s no beating it, no ways to win, and no ways for better.

Because for now, and maybe temporary, maybe not, I’m already dead.

xoxo
Sadey

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Do Not Mistake Nail Polish Remover for Makeup Remover

This public service announcement brought to you by my burning right eyeball.

Happy Friday, lovelies!

xoxo
Sadey

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Unread/Notifications STRESS FUCK!

Today I made a simple to-do list of very basic things and I have done half the things and I still have more day left so I am happy about that. I woke up at 9:30am instead of 2:00pm! Score one! I wrote for A WHOLE HOUR! I edited for a WHOLE OTHER HOUR! I mailed a deference form in that I’ve been meaning to do for about seven months!

Sometimes it is hard to get things done because I get overwhelmed by the quantity of things to do. I need to switch out some of my covers. I need to get Slaves on Pertz back on Amazon. I gotta write a million things and edit them and then edit them again and write more. I gotta cam-girl it up to make actual $ in the mean time. I want to edit some of my first books because it just needs to happen. I want to write some shorts for various calls for submission. I need to finish my major project of awesome. GAH! My brain explodes.

When I’m overwhelmed, I push everything to the side and watch marathon amounts of Netflix while curled up in a ball, clutching a stuffed animal and a pillow and twitching like a crazy person. Or I lay down and browse reddit for three hours until my phone is out of battery and I opt for a nap. Or I just skip Netflix and reddit and take the nap.

But the key, and I know this, is just doing a small amount every day until a big amount of stuff gets done. Breathe. Logic doesn’t work on the brain of the Sadey sometimes. It’s been a rocky few months.

Here’s a result of the doing-nothing!

Unread e-mails, Sadey’s personal account:

Unread e-mails, Sadey’s business account:

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.03 PM

Unread e-mails, [RealName]‘s personal account:

Notifications, on my guilty pleasure site:

Little by little, poco a poco

xoxo
Sadey

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Tinder Verdict: Icky

I’ve been out of the online dating scene for a few months for several reasons…mainly the thought of going on a date has just been really unappealing. Lately though I wonder if I’m ready to jump back in…so…

A week ago I signed up for Tinder, the latest dating app. Basically, the app shows you a picture of a guy (or gal), and you swipe left if you think they’re attractive, right if you don’t. If they happen to also agree you’re attractive, then you’re matched, and can send messages to each other.

It’s a hook up thing, which I didn’t realize but became clear almost immediately, when I got a message that didn’t even say hello, just “dtf?”

So I learned a new initialism! “dtf?” = “Down to fuck?”, which, even for a sex positive lady like me, is kinda crass. I’m not 22 year old kid, scoping out my options during last call. And I’m also not so desperate to get laid that I’d fuck a guy without knowing anything about him. AND I’m certainly not going to go to some stranger’s house at midnight (several guys invited me to do this), because that’s just stupid.

I get the appeal of Tinder, but it’s not for me. No more swiping. It was entertaining for a while, though, so eh. No harm, no foul. ;)

OkCupid reigns as King Of All Online Dating Sites. Maybe I’ll join it again soon.

 

I’m gonna watch the Badgers crush Kentucky tonight. I’m fairly sure my family would disown me if I didn’t.

Let’s go Red! 

xoxo
Sadey

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Filed under Reality, Sadey Sex

Is This Just Fantasy?

Twenty minutes ago I was sitting naked on my bed, using my hitachi as a fake microphone, and belting out Bohemiam Raposody, happily pretending to be Freddie Mercury, with boobies. 

Let me repeat that, so it can sink in.

I was using my Hitachi magic wand as a microphone to sing. And I was singing along to Queen. FOR AN AUDIENCE.

Jesus Fuck.

xoxo
Sadey

 

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Filed under Musings and Reflections, Reality, Sadey Sex

Maybe.

Maybe.

Lately, as in the last six months or so, I’ve had a lack of desire to create.

That desire is what makes writers write. It’s the fuel. Obviously.

So also, in the last six months or so, I’ve been a bit out of sorts. By ‘out of sorts’ I might mean ‘unfunctional depression’, but who knows.

I wonder what makes writers write. I wonder what makes creators create.

We don’t do it for ourselves. When I write a story, it’s partly for me, but it’s also for readers. Hardly anyone dicks around and makes art just for their own selves. They do it to share.

I think when I wrap myself in lonely, I lose the drive to create. Because there is just no one there to create for. I have no one around for feedback for encouragement or what-not.

I am done. A few days ago an old friend called me horrible and disrespectful. Today, I found an account of a friend calling me boring, shallow, cruel. I’m just done with people. I’m not sure how I became so awful, but goddamn.

Maybe I just don’t have more to create or do.

This all sounds dark and creepy, I’m going to keep on posting and all the things, and hopefully writing again. I’m just so tired. Sad and tired. And I try to be good but apparently I’m not.

:(

xoxo
Sadey

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Ding Dong

The bitch is dead.

While death is not normally a cause for celebration, our planet is a smidgen less evil today, and that’s a good thing. And I don’t think any other person has done more for promoting the dangers of fundamentalism than Mr. Phelps, and for that, I’m thankful for his stupid, hate-filled life. Adios, asshole.

Another reason to celebrate is on a completely different topic: My copy of Twisted: Bondage With An Edge arrived in the mail! I love seeing my stories in print, and this is the first time I’ve been published by a major real-deal publishing company. Woot!

twisted

xoxo
Sadey

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Filed under Book-speak, Musings and Reflections