30 Days of Kink: Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

For some people, the road to becoming kinky is paved with choice. Submission or dominance is developed, learned, nurtured, and crafted.

For others, it’s just in their blood.

I’m of the second camp. I wasn’t drawn to kink. It didn’t hold appeal. I was into kink well before I heard the term BDSM. Before I knew what kink was, I fantasized about submitting. I craved pain, bondage, humiliation, all the good stuff.

Scot, of TheDomNextDoor, wrote an interesting post some weeks/days ago about how he and his wife, Leigh, ventured into their kink journey. For them, their trusting, committed relationship came first. BDSM is an addition. A hot addition (check out their blog), but it’s just an add-on to an already fantastic marriage.

He writes:

I can remove D/s from my relationship with Leigh and still have so much to share with her for the rest of our lives. But can the same be said for a collared D/s couple who met as a result of that interest? I doubt it.

That’s cool.

For me, if I take D/s out of the relationship, I’m removing a really important dynamic. I would even say that it is more important that my partner be dominant than it is that my partner be male (and I’m pretty fucking het). 

This is the depth of my kink.

Could I have a vanilla sexual relationship? Probably not. It wouldn’t be fulfilling. It would neglect to address many things I crave. Might I, one day, wake up vanilla? Highly unlikely, but I know people change. It would be a paradigm shift for me, a completely different worldview to face. It would be like waking up as a devout Mormon.

One thing that is important to address is that, while the 24/7 thing is well and good for some, no long term healthy relationship will survive without occasionlly (and I’d argue, mostly) acting as peers. Two people who spend lots of time together will speak to each other as equals. They will debate politics, or contemplate philosophical shit, etc. Dominants will ask their submissives for advice and thoughts because that’s just what you do when you’re in a relationship. For dominants looking for doormats, and submissives hoping to be doormats, I would venture to guess that there is an unhealthy psychological aspect to that dominance/submission that should be addressed before delving into a kink-centric relationship.

Dominants cannot act dominant all of the time. Submissives cannot act submissive all of the time. To ask for that, or expect that, is not only unreasonable but completely unrealistic. So when I say I’m submissive and born into that role, there is nothing about this that says I cannot hold my own. My submission is not a negative thing or a changeable thing. I am not a weak or fragile person. I’m capable of making my own decisions and dominating my own life.

But if I’m going to invest the time into building a relationship, I am going to be very fucking sure that the dude is willing to step up, be a man, and take charge.

(Aside: Sigh. I realize that men don’t need to be ‘alpha’ or ‘step up’ to be men. For me, I need that in a partner. It’s just a phrase, PC police.)

Scot eloquently describes, in respect to his marriage, that it was important to have a solid foundation while incorporating BDSM into their relationship.

For me, the solid foundation and the BDSM are so intertwined that starting with a vanilla (or vanilla-ish) foundation is an impossible concept. My kink is not my choice, it’s part of me. It is so much a part of me that attempting to build a foundation without that D/s dynamic would be fruitless.

Sexuality is a personal thing. Everyone has their own. Identifying my needs was liberating. And there is just no ‘Why am I the way I am?’ I can contemplate evolutionary psychology and the potential advantages for dominance and submission, sure. But I don’t need an explanation, really. I was born submissive in the same way I was born right-handed.

And I can train my left-hand to work well (and have), but if you chuck a baseball at my head, guess which hand will fly up to catch it?


p.s. More 30 Days posts here. And here’s Day 14!


Filed under Musings and Reflections, Reality, Sadey Sex

10 responses to “30 Days of Kink: Day 13

  1. Wonderful insight. The whole issue of D/s and all its various facets, especially when incorporating BDSM into it (the two are often used in tandem but are not inherently symbiotic) is fascinating. Hopefully everyone will learn early on that there is no one D/s or BDSM, but rather their D/s and their BDSM.

    • Exactly. There isn’t one truth or one path. And yes, D/s and BDSM are not necessarily adopted together. Lots of couples go for ‘Head of Household’ or whatever, incorporating D/s but staying as far away as possible from the words ‘kinky’ or BDSM. And oppositely, there are kinksters who aren’t into D/s, but like the pain/control play that comes with BDSM.

      I like calling it ‘my BDSM, my D/s’!
      I’d say the same thing about religion, but then I’d be crossing into different subject matter…

      Eh, fuck it.

      Religion is the same way. If people understood how deeply personal religious view was, rather than some static code that is prescribed and shared, I think the world would be a better place. There is no one ‘Christianity’ or ‘Buddhism’ or what have you. We all develop our own (or our lack of) and apply that to our lives in a personal way.

      Thanks for the conversation! Interesting stuff, this.

      • Bora

        Can I separate sex and BDSM? Well, livnig in Michigan with our backwards and repressive laws I HAVE to be able to separate sex and BDSM if I want to play in public at all and I love public play. I am aware of only one public party where any kind of sex at all is allowed. I have heard there are a couple others but I don’t know where they are. And since I don’t have a submissive or slave at the moment it’s not a big issue for me, lol. I wish it was but that’s life.

  2. catsongea

    Hi Sadey, Great post. I had wondered about how things would work in a full time relationship. I imagine few people are 100% one way or the other. It is a spectrum. I am surprised and pleased at your statement that ‘ no long term healthy relationship will survive without occasionlly (and I’d argue, mostly) acting as peers’ .
    While I am sure that Scot has a great relationship with his wife, I think no matter how the relationship starts, if it works long term – full time then there will be many facets to it. Many relationships start as the result of a single shared interest – working at the same company, going to the same school, sharing a love of hiking or kink or whatever then they either develop from there or they eventually fail.

    • Thank you. :)

      Great point– it is all a spectrum. We all fall on various points of a giant bell curve. We are all part dom, part sub, part gay, part het.

      Jay Wiseman wrote a good paragraph or two about the peer to peer, Dom/sub dynamic in his book SM101. I was going to grab my copy to try to find the quote before publishing, but then forgot. Oops! I recommend that book, though a lot of it is fairly intro. I read it while writing Social Service, and found it useful food for thought.

  3. I wish I was as self-assured when it comes to knowing how important kink is in a relationship. When did it come to light that kink wasn’t a choice, but who you are?

    • That is a great question. I was asked a few others about this post… I think i’m going to make a 13.1 day entry to explain a bit further. :)

    • Marckenly

      I think I’m with Jen — if they aren’t “playing a role”, but are actually the poersn they are allowed to be in the power exchange, then they aren’t holding anything back. If the submissive has power in her job, maybe she doesn’t need to have it at home? Or maybe she just doesn’t need to have it anywhere.I agree that if they are in roles instead of being who they really are, that’s a problem in the long term.

  4. Loved this post and I resonated with a lot of what you said here.
    Thanks for sharing :o)

  5. Priscila

    I think if a couple cheosos a 24/7 power exchange relationship then they are not restraining a part of themselves. That is, if this is who they truly are to their core. I think that they would be embracing who they truly are and that love would have to be at the center of ther relationship in order for it to last long term. Love is not one thing it is a whole spectrum of thoughts, feelings and actions.

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