In effort to regain some degree of functionality and sanity (whee!), I started taking St. John’s Wort about five days ago. It takes 2-4 weeks to kick in, or 4-6 weeks, or 2 months+ (depending on the source–the back of my bottle says 2-4 weeks, so I’m going with that, please for the love of god…).
After a twelve-hour zonk-a-thon the other night, filled with intense and truly awful dreams, I googled “St Johns Wort, dreams, side effects”, and sure enough, vivid dreams is on the list.
I enjoy vivid dreams. Unconscious is my current preferred state of being, so it’s fun to have an escape into dreamland. But dreams should be positive and happy.
Last night, one of the unpleasant dreams involved my mom going completely batshit fucking crazy, and my dad going slightly crazy in his attempts to keep her sane, and was just a whole mess of icky. Like their faces became these tired, wretched portraits of despair, and there was nothing anyone could do to make it better, it was spiraling horror, everything collapsing into insane…
Maybe the vibes of the dreams will change as my mood improves? Hopefully? I’m not sure I want to trade in my happy sleeps for god-awful torture sessions, just for the sake of daytime positivity.
Our brains are so complex. Our ‘being’ can be reduced to a set of chemical interactions. It’s fascinating that messing with those interactions can change us, in small ways and big ways. So on the one hand, I’m curious about it from a science perspective. On the other hand, the power of drugs is just a touch terrifying. Just a touch.
Writing News: Yesterday I took the draft of my next novella to a cafe. And I took it out of my backpack and put it in front of me, and then proceeded to dick around online for two hours. BUT, PROGRESS! Next time I do that, I’ll leave the laptop at home.