I’ve been out of the online dating scene for a few months for several reasons…mainly the thought of going on a date has just been really unappealing. Lately though I wonder if I’m ready to jump back in…so…
A week ago I signed up for Tinder, the latest dating app. Basically, the app shows you a picture of a guy (or gal), and you swipe left if you think they’re attractive, right if you don’t. If they happen to also agree you’re attractive, then you’re matched, and can send messages to each other.
It’s a hook up thing, which I didn’t realize but became clear almost immediately, when I got a message that didn’t even say hello, just “dtf?”
So I learned a new initialism! “dtf?” = “Down to fuck?”, which, even for a sex positive lady like me, is kinda crass. I’m not 22 year old kid, scoping out my options during last call. And I’m also not so desperate to get laid that I’d fuck a guy without knowing anything about him. AND I’m certainly not going to go to some stranger’s house at midnight (several guys invited me to do this), because that’s just stupid.
I get the appeal of Tinder, but it’s not for me. No more swiping. It was entertaining for a while, though, so eh. No harm, no foul. ;)
OkCupid reigns as King Of All Online Dating Sites. Maybe I’ll join it again soon.
I’m gonna watch the Badgers crush Kentucky tonight. I’m fairly sure my family would disown me if I didn’t.
Let’s go Red!
Twenty minutes ago I was sitting naked on my bed, using my hitachi as a fake microphone, and belting out Bohemiam Raposody, happily pretending to be Freddie Mercury, with boobies.
Let me repeat that, so it can sink in.
I was using my Hitachi magic wand as a microphone to sing. And I was singing along to Queen. FOR AN AUDIENCE.
My lovely mother sent me a skirt in the mail.
She asked me how it fit, so I took a selfie in my mirror to show her that it fits great. Because I’m nice like that.
Then I sent her the selfie.
…then I looked at the picture and realized there are GODDAMN SEX TOYS IN THE REFLECTION.
Fuck fuck fuck please don’t zoom in, Mom. And please, for the love of God, don’t know what a Hitachi is, because that shit is obviously laying on my floor behind me.
I’m not as kinky as I thought. Look at all the unchecked things! Gah!
I actually had to look up a good handful of the words. Teledildonics is exactly what it sounds like. Sitophilia - sexual arousal from food. No, thank you, that sounds messy.
Then there’s frotteurism - which is where you rub your junk against a non-consenting stranger for sexual gratification. Lovely.
Dacrylagnia - arousal from seeing tears in your partner’s (or a stranger’s) eyes. This one actually makes sense because there’s the nurturing aspect of sex, yadda yadda.
Going through all the fetishes I have has made me horny. Sigh. Yesterday I came over ten times on webcam. This may not be the best job for a hypersexual person. Or maybe it’s perfect? I don’t know. I have mixed feelings.
So today I was camming and was in the middle of a cum show when my Pandora account started playing this:
Could not stop laughing. None of the guys were too amused as I went back and forth from trying to make myself come and giggling my ass off.
“Are you guys NOT hearing this??? Seriously? Is this a thing people know about?”
Yeah. Find that Juicy Bubble. Baby got it goin’ on.
A few days ago I started doing some internet modeling which is an extremely weird way to earn money, but also unsurprisingly effective. :) Basically I have a chatroom, and guys (and girls, but mainly guys) come in and we hang out and chatter on about sex and other random shit and they tip me for getting naked or orgasming.
Mostly the guys are just lonely and horny. I’m lonely and horny, too, so it’s a good fit for now. I could see it making me kinda sad though. One guy tipped me $50 because I reminded him of his ex-wife. His exact words were, “You remind me of my ex-wife. I’m really lonely.”
Sad. But also maybe it’s a Glad, not Sad, because hopefully his day got brighter.
I’m going to need to stock up on cute panties and dildos! Panties and dildos and lube, oh my!
Sometimes guys request a private show. I like those. If they have a cam, they can turn it on and we watch each other get off.
Blue, you’d be annoyed as fuck with all my goddamn dirty talk. ;)
Yesterday at the gym I was getting really faint and I had this fantasy of crashing to the floor, getting knocked unconscious, and slipping into a two week long coma. I think that’s the amount of time I wish would just go by without me having to be conscious. Two weeks, and most of the pain would be gone and all of that, which if I had a therapist (and I should) she would probably say, “But you have to experience the pain in order for it to go away,” and she would be right (see why would I pay someone to tell me shit I already know?), and then I realized I was actually going to faint so I got off the machine and sat down. I have a history of fainting so I know the feeling and I also know that whenever I faint I break my face (literally, I broke my jaw one time I fainted; another time I ended up with two black eyes and a bump on my head the size of an orange). I decided the coma situation probably wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to and I don’t want a broken face because I can’t cam with that. :)
I’ve had a very weird week.
While I was doing it, it didn’t seem so strange. But on thinking about it, I realized that probably 99% of the population has never done this.
I seriously swept condoms off my floor, collected them in a dustpan, and threw them away.
Today was a good day.
Safe sex, y’all.