About ten years ago, I flew to LA and had a fun weekend with a dominant guy. He told me, before I arrived, that I’d feel more like a submissive slut than ever before.
So that was fun.
Truly, it was a good experience. I loved every minute of it. I got fucked in the ass, I drank water out of a dish on the floor, I cleaned up for him, etc. Did all the things. He was right, I’d never felt so submissive before. It was comfortable, and I enjoyed it.
That was ten years ago, though, and people evolve. I’m still ultimately submissive, and I crave manly men (fucking LOVE manly men…strong smells, confidence, calmness, ease), but as my ex pointed out on multiple occasions, I’m not a submissive.
I think ‘a submissive’ is a role that I thought might be fun, but ultimately I don’t get off on doing things I don’t want to do. Unless there’s gratification at the end of the chore, I’m really not interested. I learned this with the beach guy, because he’s totally into finding ‘the submissives’–not submissive women, but submissives, women who choose to put the interests and priorities of their male counterparts above their own interests.
It’s weird. It’s been about a year and a half since Nate and I split, and I’m still learning about who I am. I suppose that’ll continue to happen regardless of relationships, but how I defined myself with him changed dramatically after we broke up. Now I’m learning about me, and it’s a fun ride, and I surprise myself all the time with new ideas.
I like men. I like men who can take charge and save me from a burning building or whatever, they’re not pansies, they are active and strong. But I also like autonomy. I like doing what I do and doing it alone sometimes. I like planning my own schedule. Sometimes I want to be told what to do, but really only when I tell the person to tell me what to do (which is totally annoying, topping from the bottom, I know, I know, but sometimes I just say to a dude, “Hey can you tell me to go to bed?”, and he does, and then I go to bed, it’s weird but it works, so shush). I don’t want someone to order for me at a restaurant unless I want them to order for me at a restaurant.
Basically I’m the definition of a pain-in-the-ass submissive woman.
Still growing and learning and evolving, though! So we’ll see what happens in another year.