My lovely mother sent me a skirt in the mail.
She asked me how it fit, so I took a selfie in my mirror to show her that it fits great. Because I’m nice like that.
Then I sent her the selfie.
…then I looked at the picture and realized there are GODDAMN SEX TOYS IN THE REFLECTION.
Fuck fuck fuck please don’t zoom in, Mom. And please, for the love of God, don’t know what a Hitachi is, because that shit is obviously laying on my floor behind me.
I’m not as kinky as I thought. Look at all the unchecked things! Gah!
I actually had to look up a good handful of the words. Teledildonics is exactly what it sounds like. Sitophilia - sexual arousal from food. No, thank you, that sounds messy.
Then there’s frotteurism - which is where you rub your junk against a non-consenting stranger for sexual gratification. Lovely.
Dacrylagnia - arousal from seeing tears in your partner’s (or a stranger’s) eyes. This one actually makes sense because there’s the nurturing aspect of sex, yadda yadda.
Going through all the fetishes I have has made me horny. Sigh. Yesterday I came over ten times on webcam. This may not be the best job for a hypersexual person. Or maybe it’s perfect? I don’t know. I have mixed feelings.
So today I was camming and was in the middle of a cum show when my Pandora account started playing this:
Could not stop laughing. None of the guys were too amused as I went back and forth from trying to make myself come and giggling my ass off.
“Are you guys NOT hearing this??? Seriously? Is this a thing people know about?”
Yeah. Find that Juicy Bubble. Baby got it goin’ on.
A few days ago I started doing some internet modeling which is an extremely weird way to earn money, but also unsurprisingly effective. :) Basically I have a chatroom, and guys (and girls, but mainly guys) come in and we hang out and chatter on about sex and other random shit and they tip me for getting naked or orgasming.
Mostly the guys are just lonely and horny. I’m lonely and horny, too, so it’s a good fit for now. I could see it making me kinda sad though. One guy tipped me $50 because I reminded him of his ex-wife. His exact words were, “You remind me of my ex-wife. I’m really lonely.”
Sad. But also maybe it’s a Glad, not Sad, because hopefully his day got brighter.
I’m going to need to stock up on cute panties and dildos! Panties and dildos and lube, oh my!
Sometimes guys request a private show. I like those. If they have a cam, they can turn it on and we watch each other get off.
Blue, you’d be annoyed as fuck with all my goddamn dirty talk. ;)
Yesterday at the gym I was getting really faint and I had this fantasy of crashing to the floor, getting knocked unconscious, and slipping into a two week long coma. I think that’s the amount of time I wish would just go by without me having to be conscious. Two weeks, and most of the pain would be gone and all of that, which if I had a therapist (and I should) she would probably say, “But you have to experience the pain in order for it to go away,” and she would be right (see why would I pay someone to tell me shit I already know?), and then I realized I was actually going to faint so I got off the machine and sat down. I have a history of fainting so I know the feeling and I also know that whenever I faint I break my face (literally, I broke my jaw one time I fainted; another time I ended up with two black eyes and a bump on my head the size of an orange). I decided the coma situation probably wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to and I don’t want a broken face because I can’t cam with that. :)
I’ve had a very weird week.
While I was doing it, it didn’t seem so strange. But on thinking about it, I realized that probably 99% of the population has never done this.
I seriously swept condoms off my floor, collected them in a dustpan, and threw them away.
Today was a good day.
Safe sex, y’all.
At this time, one year ago, I was knocked out cold, getting some fancy new inner jewelry for my wrist bone. Check out how awesome. I’m now fully healed, though I’ll have minor aches probably forever and also apparently I’ll get arthritis earlier than other people, but whatever. It’s done!
I give you a million apologies for all my recent posts being about medical bullshit. I feel like a 70 year old woman. Have you ever been to an old-people gathering? I used to live in a retirement community, and all the parties were basically health-and-wellness conventions. Boring.
(And I say this with good thoughts toward old people, because not all are boring, just many, and generally bitching about health isn’t so fun to read about, so that’s my bad, I’m sorry, I really am, okay moving on.)
So, non-medical things:
- I hope to get mega-fucked this weekend. Hello, Bucket-List, you’re about to lose a Very Amazing Item!
- Valentine’s Day is coming up. Literally the most ridiculous holiday, with the exception of Columbus Day. I’ll try to come up with a non-snarky post of love, but no promises.
- New ‘job’ starting soon. Job is a loose term. Perhaps better: New experiment to try to make money without actually getting employed, since I’m not, apparently, employable.
Happy Hump Day, lovelies!