Friends are a funny thing.

Being all depressed and such, I’ve kinda kept to myself since my return to the midwest…

Yet, small towns are small, and I ran into a friend accidentally. I told her I was dealing with some medical shit, and would like to be in touch.

Haven’t heard from her since. She may be slightly peeved that I have been around since May and haven’t tried to talk to her…

Another friend knows I’m in town and is just straight up pissed off at my lack of contact. I believe the last text message was: “You suck.”

Truth? I don’t care about them. Or anyone. I just can’t. I don’t, at the moment, have the emotional capacity to give two fucks, or even one fuck, about random requests for socializing. Do I want them to be happy and healthy? Yes! Do I want to be a part of that? Not so much. For the time being, I just gotta be solo.

I’d like to think that friends will stick with me through this, but realistically I know I’m gonna lose a few. Adios, muchachos…que les vayan bien.

xoxo
Sadey

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Toad Monsters

I had about 40 instances of Notepad open on my computer (no hyperbole). Whenever I have a random thought, I tend to type it up quickly in Notepad, and then I forget about it.

I started closing windows today because my computer, while magnificent, is not capable of having three hundred things open at once. With my notes, I deleted most of them and combined any writing notes into one document. This one gets deleted from my computer, but will live on here in the blogosphere for eternity, because seriously, what the fuck was I thinking…?

a friend of mine tells me when i want to go to sleep, i should count down from 1000.
short attention span,i do 100.
but then around 20 or so i start making up random scenarios.
like a toad monster who is eating the numbers..
then i kinda zone out and the toad monster eats the numbers.

I have no idea.

xoxo
Sadey

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The First Untitled Blog Entry Because Fuck You, Titles.

I do not miss Austin.

I went back this week to clean the apartment and pack the things. I did a good job of accumulating quite a lot of shit during my short stint living in Texas. And, as predicted by my past behavior, I procrastinated cleaning and packing until I had approximately five hours left in my three days of allotted time. Somehow I always manage to just barely be ready to go by the time my ride shows up. All of my things are now bagged and boxed and sitting in my closet, to be moved next week.

On my way from my apartment to the airport, I realized I may never see Austin again.

Which is very fine and causes me zero cares. Good riddance, to the city of broken relationships, hot as fucking fuck weather, and zero Sadey-friends.

I’m applying for a couple of jobs within the company I’ve been temping for. Cross your fingers for me! I’ve come to a major realization: Being a self-employed author is feasible, and I could totally do it if I actually wrote. However, as an introverted person, working alone and living alone, this option isn’t viable unless I want to be very, very unhappy and potentially dead.

Writing will be my hobby. If I manage to develop a social circle and maintain a few relationships, I might consider going back to self-employedness in a year or two. But, man…going to work every day and being forced to interact with people has helped me immensely. My depression hasn’t vanished, but it feels lighter, and I no longer want to suffocate myself in a turkey oven bag.

One of the positions I’m going for is an admin assistant gig, and would leave my brain with plenty of extra space to think up smutty stories. The other position is actually a writing job, which I’d prefer because it pays more, but I’m worried that’ll tap me out on writing and make me not want to write during my off time. Which would be very sad for all the Sadey stories that I’m holding hostage in my brain. Those stories want, so badly, to escape and be shared. They want to become the masterbatory material of hundreds, no!, thousands of hornballs who’re seeking quality wanking material.

And considering I’m looking for purpose in my life, I’d say that creating decent smut is a damn good start. Our world is really lacking in pornography.

Right? RIGHT?!

Hugs and kisses, belts and switches!

xoxo
Sadey

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Sadey Is Alive

Apparently some people were curious about that. I live!

Right now, I’m sitting in a cute coffee shop in a tiny town in Wisconsin, listening to their bluegrass music and the hum of the espresso machine and clanking of dishes and it feels familiar and distant. Because a year ago, though in a different location, the same sounds and smells were a daily thing.

I’m not sure how I’ll look back on this period of my life. I wonder how much damage is irreparable. I’m curious if I’ll ever manage to have a relationship again, or a friendship, but the odd thing is, I don’t miss human connection anymore. I used to feel the ache of loneliness. Sitting alone in a cafe, I’d observe groups of friends interacting with one another and feel a pang of jealousy. Now, I observe them with a faint sense of wonder. What motivates them to do that?

Have you ever heard of tulpas? I read about them recently, and realized I had a tulpa. I didn’t know his name, but he was there, every night, for quite some time. He comforted me as I fell asleep. There were odd little details about him: He worked the third shift, so he left after I fell asleep. I don’t know where he worked. He had a short beard, rusty-brown hair. Nordic looking. He had a big smile and he liked to laugh.

He left. When my depression took a turn–not for the better or for the worse, just a slight shift–he disappeared. Out of curiosity, I’ve tried to bring him back a couple of times, but I can’t. He’s gone. I don’t miss him. But I wonder why he left.

xoxo
Sadey

 

 

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Newsies

Hello, neglected friends. :)

Road to improvement! I’m on it! Hooray!

I’m still a zombie, but that is worlds better than lying in bed, crying all damn day. Baby steps, as many people have said.

Today I’m at my second day of a four-day temp gig. It’s, without question, the most pointless job I’ve ever had. I count heads for approximately thirty minutes, and sit and read/write/blog/twiddle thumbs/walk around downtown for the remaining seven and a half hours. Not a bad introduction into the world of getting out of bed early and going to work. I would very much like a full time job like this. :) Mindless and easy is what I need right now. The worst part of this is wearing fucking nylons because I don’t feel like shaving my legs.

Aaaanyway, I’m alive and moderately well. Sexy thoughts are far from my brain, but despite that, I’m gonna try to knock out the final draft of my next novella. Maybe writing sexy things will make my brain start to like sexy things again…

Hope you’re all enjoying your week.

xoxo
Sadey

 

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Everything To The Dumpster!

Typically I’m a tidy person. I like clean floors, clean bathrooms, and most importantly, clean kitchens. I don’t like a lot of clutter or knick-knacks. I’m the opposite of a hoarder.

However, the last four months or so, I’d estimate that I’ve spent approximately 5% of my time in a vertical position, and 95% of my time in my bed. That’s a generous estimation. Boo. My apartment is messy. There are stacks of paper all over the place from when I was frantically searching for all my stupid 1099s during tax times, there’s other stacks of unopened mail because I don’t like opening mail now, there’s dirty clothes and clean clothes in separate but disorganized piles, and really the only remaining organized area is my kitchen, because as aforementioned, it’s important to keep kitchens clean.

Even my kitchen, though, goddamnit. The turkey chili is still there! In the fridge! Fuck fuck fuck it is gonna be gross…

Today I must dispose of the gross. And of many other things. I’m sad to be leaving my little home. But, gotta get it ready for the next inhabitant.

I’m tired. Sad. I don’t want to leave the comfort of my new routine of doing absolutely nothing. Apparently, though, people must do the things. Today I clean. Tomorrow I drug myself so I can make it through 10 hours of travel without sobbing and freaking out fellow passengers. Thursday, new life.

I’m fairly convinced that there’s no possible direction but improvement, though I’ve convinced myself that in the past and have been repeatedly incorrect. We’ll see. Wish me luck!

xoxo
Sadey

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Making The Plans, Changing The Things

Ticket is purchased. It’s one-way, which is terrifying. Off on a new adventure, or, in this case, anti-adventure…

When I moved to Austin I had two bags. My roommate picked me up, and when I loaded my stuff into her trunk she turned to me and said, “Seriously? That’s it?”

Now I have stuff, which sucks, because I thought I was making a home. :( I am sad about that. I’ll come back to get my shit at some point. Moving is so fucking inconvenient.

To make the moving happy, I have a list of things I will hopefully do before flying far far away:

  1. See one last movie at the Drafthouse.
  2. Spend a morning or afternoon downtownish. I never go there, now, but I did a lot when I first moved here. It’s a nice place.
  3. See the Capitol! I’ve heard it isn’t as great as my home-state-Capitol-of-awesome, but it’s a landmark and it’s close. Boom.
  4. Go back to some of my favorite writing places from back when I did that. :) I have…humm…I guess there are three places. I likely won’t get to all of them. But maybe one. Or two. Aim high!

Just FYI, May is masturbation month. Get on it.

xoxo
Sadey

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